Twilight FAQ
by cynic.in.a.fishbowl
Summary: What SM was ACTUALLY thinking in response to the FAQs on her website.
1. Twilight

Is there a sequel to _Twilight_?

Yes. I'm reasonably certain that by now you are all too painfully aware that there are not only one but three sequels to Twilight. Suckers. And you keep reading them hoping that they'll get better. But they don't.

Are they going to make a _Twilight_ movie?

No. That thing they've been advertising starring Robert Pattinson is completely unrelated to Twilight. There is no plot overlap whatsoever, and any similarities to the characters of twilight are purely coincidental.

Can you get me an audition for a part in the movie?

If you're asking me this, I'm assuming that you're just a desperate fangirl, as opposed to someone with any acting ability whatsoever, so… no. Just boost my revenue by watching the movie 70 times whilst it's in the cinemas and then but the official DVD. Yay for money.

Did Edward bite Bella at the end of the book?

Well she's alive and human at the end of it, so I'll leave you to make your own judgements as to that.

Will Bella and Edward's story be a trilogy, or a longer series?

Well it was a trilogy, but then the potential revenue was so tempting that I'm drawing it out for as long as I can

What's with the apple?

They're yummy. Like Edward.

Why did you pick the title _Twilight_?

Because it was conducive of fan group names like twi-hards etc.

I'm confused by the preface; who is the Hunter?

Me. I am the hunter. I want to drink Bella's blood.

Why do all the guys at Forks High like Bella if she's supposed to be average-looking? Is she pretty or not?

They're boys. The moment the Y chromosome gets fired up it doesn't matter what the hell she looks like. If she's breathing, they'd do her.

Do you have any tips for aspiring writers?

No. Quit stealing my thunder, bitches.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to be published?

Fuck off. The revenue, actual or potential is all mine. I won't have you waltzing in and stealing my readers with your higher quality literature.

Got any recommendations for books I can read while I'm waiting for the next book to come out?

Anything written by me. Or the Hannibal books. There are lots of very oblique plot parallels.

How can I get a signed copy of _Twilight_?

You can't. Nor should you want to if you are a self-respecting humanoid.

What does Bella look like?

Short, brown hair, brown eyes… wait… that's me…

What do you mean you're switching narrators? Are you crazy?

If I were crazy, would you be reading my books, bitch?

In the outtakes, you described Bella's prom dress in so much detail. Do you have a picture of it?

No. Go do your freaky fangirl thing and find a picture of it.

Can you post _Forever Dawn_, or send me a copy, or give me a summary, or email me the outline...?

Only if you sell me your soul and one of your kidneys.

Can you come to my town on your next tour?

Probably not. I have normal non-tween-fangirl people to visit instead.

What CD is Bella listening to in Chapter Seven?

…And Justice For All by Metallica. She doesn't look like a metalhead, but inside, Bella just thinks about biting the heads off bats and getting a few of her lower ribs removed so that she can supplicate herself Marilyn Manson style.

Is there anyway to hurry the release of the sequel?

If there was, would I tell you?

Is _Twilight_ autobiographical?

Yes. I fell in love with a vampire named Edward, and now all we do is meyerpire sex all day long.


	2. New Moon

Q. How come Alice and Jasper can affect Bella with their supernatural powers, but Edward and Aro and Jane can't?

I didn't put much thought into the writing of new moon, and in fact I woke up from a massive acid trip one day and found that I had finished the story whilst high. Don't bring up any of the inconsistencies, they're too numerous to number.

Q. Was Edward somehow psychically connected to Bella with the whole hearing-voices thing?

Nope, Bella was just developing paranoid schizophrenia. She's just lucky that she wasn't visited by a demonic rabbit called Frank.

Q. What did Edward break in the living room after the vote?

Bella's virginity… JOKES!

Q. What happened to Lauren's hair?

It magically disappeared as she slept, and was made by a bunch of elves into a lovely new sweater for her to wear… WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HAPPENED TO IT, SHE CUT IT OFF.

Q. Why did Edward leave? WHY?

Because he got bored of Bella's one track mind. And her clinginess. And her shit taste in music. And her inability to do anything interesting. And her whorish tendencies. And the fact that I decided to show the world just how weak she really was.

Q. What kind of flower is that on the cover, and what does it mean?

It's a prettiful flower that I found on Google images. Why is it that you wanker fangirls can't just take something at fact value? Are you trying to quantify your failed lives by reading too far into everything? Is that it?

Q. What does the title refer to? Is it a werewolf reference?

See my previous answer, but substitute the first sentence for 'it's a random pair of words that I though echoed with profundity that I could never think up myself.'

Q. How far along are you on _Eclipse_? _Midnight Sun_?

Go to your local bookstore and find out. Duhh.


	3. Eclipse

Q. Did Jacob imprint on Bella?

What? Which? Whom? Where? Why? How? Whence?

Wtf? What difference does it make?

Q. Who was in Bella's house—the scent no one recognized?

Me. Again. I just went all Mary-Sue on your asses.

Q. What is the most pivotal plot development that happens in _Eclipse_?

There are none. Just teen angst. And Bella's whorishness.

Q. What are the characters' biggest mistakes in _Eclipse_, their tragic flaws?

Probably the fact that they were dumb or unlucky enough to get roped into my sick sadistic excuse for a book.

Q. What's the deal with Bella just falling in love with Jacob in the eleventh hour of _Eclipse_? Don't you believe in true love anymore? What happened to blacken your soul, woman??

Probably all this fucking fangirl mail. I blame you for the fact that Bella is a whore, and a weak, personality void insult to women everywhere.

Q. Can a werewolf imprint on a vampire? What happens if a vampire bites a werewolf? Will Renee and Charlie flip out about the engagement? Is Jacob gone forever? Will Bella have a superpower as a vampire?

Kind of. They die. Yes and no. Definitely not, he fills in space. Not anything useful.

Q. Can you get book four out faster?

If you want the book out faster, you try writing it. It takes concerted effort to wrote something this bad.

Q. Read anything good lately?

Yes. And it wasn't written by me.

Q. Are you going to post outtakes and extras for Eclipse?

Does it make a difference? To you, probably. To me, not so much. So no.

Q. Are you going to publish Midnight Sun?

If you had a word file sitting on your computer which gave you the potential to generate another few million for yourself, would you publish it? OF COURSE I'M GOING TO PUBLISH IT. What's the point of being a sadistically bad author if you're not even going to use it for the greater evil.


	4. Breaking Dawn

What does the cover mean?

Which cover? Say it with me, people: a coherent sentence contains a conjugated verb (or just a participle if you're feeling lazy), a subject, an object, and in the case of this sentence, A GENITIVE, BITCHES.

What does the title mean?

See above.

What does the Book I prologue refer to?

You actually think I put enough effort into writing it that I remember the stuff I put down all those books ago? How quaint.

Why the big build-up for a fight that didn't happen?

Pure unadulterated evil. Oh yes.

What was the other book besides _Midsummer Night's Dream_ that you said influenced _Breaking Dawn_?

I said what? I hate Shakespearean comedies. They're plotless at best. The only stuff Shakespeare was good at was the tragedies. Hello Richard III.

What happened to Marcus's wife?

I was like 'om nom nom' and then she was like 'dead'.

How different is _Breaking Dawn_ from _Forever Dawn_? What changed, what stayed the same, and why? Will you ever post extras from _Forever Dawn_?

There was something called Forever dawn? This is news to me.

Why the name Renesmee?

I was toying with Rainbow, but that seemed to hippie. To I just hit my keyboard at random with my eyes closed and this is what came out.

What's the deal with "shapeshifters"?

Had they been werewolves, they might have actually been kind of cool, unlike a bunch of teenagers who occasionally fursplode into giant fuzzy woodland creatures. And if you haven't yet picked up that I tend to veer towards the boring fluffy plotless option, then clearly you haven't actually read any of the crap I've published.

What happened to Leah?

She grew a personality. At long sweet motherfucking last.

What happened to Sam's father?

Leah's personality killed him.

Is Billy actually Ephraim?

Probably not, because that would be really really really weird. And would no doubt contribute to some pretty fucked up inbreeding.

Who is Embry's father?

It's a secret!!!!!

Vampires and pregnancy: when did that idea occur to you? How does that work?

Basically I took something I read in an Anne Rice novel, and then crossed it with that thing from Alien which bursts out of that guy's stomach. Voila: creepy evil demonspawn.

Why did you decide to end the saga?

I had run out of Mary-Sue action. And now that they've finally had sweet sweet love, it's nowhere near as fun to write. Basically because there's nothing to write towards. At least in the earlier books there was the sexual tension (or what you all think was the sexual tension) to keep it going. Now they just shag each other all the time. BOOOOORING. And I'm sorry what? Saga? Twilight is not a saga, sweeties. The Forsyte Chronicles are a saga. Harry Potter is pushing it, but could be described as a saga. Twilight is just some chronicled teen angst.

How do you feel about the _Breaking Dawn_ controversy?

There was a controversy?! Damn, I need to stop getting my news from reputable sources.

I've heard you say that you think _Breaking Dawn_ should be two movies. Why? Also, that it might be impossible to film. What does that mean?

Why? Money! Why else did I bother to write this shit. But yes. Two movies = double the money. And it won't be impossible to film, we'll just continue covering everyone in talcum powder and glitter like we did in Twilight. No-one said the sparkliness or paleness had to actually look vaguely plausible.

Is Bella an anti-feminist heroine?

Duhh. Not to mention somewhat passive aggressive with narcissistic tendencies. But mainly anti-feminist.

What are you going to do next? Will you continue with the Twilight universe?

Wait…what? Universe? No, no, no, no, no. Twilight is not a universe, just a little figment of my imagination which had the added perk of making me ridiculously rich. But if I happen to come up with a continuation of my little Mary-Sue escapade, of course I'll publish it. And there will be much lamentations unto the heavens, and there will be an explosion on fanfiction, but Harry Potter will always be ahead of twilight with regard to numbers of stories. 420 000 – 120 000. HP FTW.


End file.
